


123...Breathe

by diaryofascar



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: AU, Anxiety, College, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Medication, depression maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-18 09:18:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diaryofascar/pseuds/diaryofascar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel, with his severe anxiety, was obviously nervous for college. He seems okay at UCLA as a freshman, but plans to take full advantage of the evening safety escort system. He is unaware, however, that all the escorts are students, and is less than pleased to find a green-eyed, freshman Dean as his escort. Turns out Dean is pretty good at dealing with Castiel's anxiety, and may be able to help Castiel learn to deal with it as well.</p><p>UPDATE: Sorry but I have no intention of returning to this fic and writing more or finishing it. Sorry!! Feel free to enjoy it anyways or write your own ending!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breathe In...Breathe Out

**Author's Note:**

> The summary doesn't do it justice, sorry. First Destiel Fanfic though, so be nice:)
> 
> UPDATE: Sorry but I have no intention of returning to this fic and writing more or finishing it. Sorry!! Feel free to enjoy it anyways or write your own ending!

Nervous was a good word to describe him.   
Castiel was a nervous person. Easily intimidated, always worrying, always paranoid. As excited as he was to start college, he was, of course, nervous. Yes, nervous was a good word, but it was also an understatement. Castiel already had stocked up his daily medication of Lexipro, Xanax, and Valium.

This was one of the reasons Castiel decided to go to UCLA. It was close to his hometown, yet far enough from his overbearing, religious family. UCLA's most common crime was jaywalking, and the campus was littered with blue light emergency poles. Castiel also planned to take full advantage of the evening escort safety program to accompany him back to his dorm or the library during later hours.  
His roommate, Gabriel, was nice enough, but Castiel could tell that his boisterous jesting could very possibly get old very quickly.  
Castiel had yet to get to know anyone else on his floor, but he knew that he would be the only Ancient Theology and Languages major.  
If there were two things Castiel could do well, it was religion and language.

He thought about all this as he sat quietly and studiously in the library. It was unsurprising that he was the only one in the library at eleven o'clock, being it the second week of school, but Castiel wanted to get ahead.

He finished skimming the theology textbook he would need for the term and yawned. castiel took a step outside of the Library and quickly realized that walking back to the dorms alone would not be an option. His heart rate was already elevated.

Castiel dialed the campus escort number on his cell, already assigned to a speed dial, and awaited an answer. After being assured that an escort was on the way, Castiel sat in a comfy chair just in the library, facing the door, of course, so that he could watch his surroundings. It wasn't long before a dark figure approached the automatic doors.

The first thing Castiel noticed about the stranger was his green eyes. The second was that, despite his strong jaw and muscular build, he was young. Castiel stood, eyes furrowed.

"Castiel?"  
"Cas-tee-yell. Not castle"  
"Sorry about that. I'm Dean, I'll be your escort tonight."

If Castiel's brows could be any more furrowed, his face would collapse. Dean looked back at Castiel with a look of confusion.  
"Did i say the wrong thing?"

"How old are you?" Castiel shot back.  
"19, freshman. Is that a problem?"  
"I was expecting a non-student experienced in defense and security"  
Dean chuckled, to Castiel's surprise, and said,  
"The escort Service is comprised of student volunteers, but they are including it in my work-study. I may be a student but I'm pretty well versed in defense"

Castiel nodded hesitatingly and picked up his pack.  
"I suppose we should get this over with."

Dean smiled and they began their walk.

To Castiel's annoyance, Dean insisted on making small talk, asking about his dorm and classes, pretending that he was interested. However, Castiel refused to believe, it didn't seem like he was pretending.

"I think it's cool you called the escort service though," dean continued "Most guys aren't man enough to ask for help-"  
"I wasn't asking for help"  
"Well hey, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying, I respect you for this."  
Castiel shifted uncomfortably, how far is the dorm anyways?

"Why are you working already? It's the second week of school," Castiel inquired, peering at Dean wih squinted eyes.

"Need the money. Ive got a pretty good scholarship to come here but I have to cover my kid brother when he leaves for college in a few years. I'm also working at my uncle's auto shop. He's not really my uncle, but he and my dad were. In the war together, and he's letting me stay at his place to save money on room and board. I'm gonna try for RA next year though since it's free and even paying."

Castiel nodded at the lengthy response, noting Dean's tendency to overshare.

Castiel's head suddenly snapped back to glare behind them, and Dean stopped walking. Castiel glanced around the quad before cautiously continuing their way.  
"Sorry, thought I heard something." Dean said nothing but noticed as Castiel continued to look around suspiciously and tensed up.   
Castiel didn't see Dean watching him clench his teeth and fists.

Castiel abruptly stopped walking and blindly groped through his pack desperately before finding what he was looking for. He ignored Dean's curious gaze and with trembling hands tried to open the rattling pill bottle. He fumbled with the lid with a shaky breath before Dean gently took the bottle from him and skillfully opened it.

"How many?" Castiel held up 2 fingers and bent over to catch his breath. Anxiety attacks, he'd always explained, were like butterflies in your stomach. Except in your chest. And they were bees.  
Dean handed Castiel the two pills before dropping the bottle back in the pack and pulling out a water. Castiel took them gratefully and crouched down, rubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands. He didn't notice that Dean kneeled besides him. He didn't notice that Dean put his arm around him. And he didn't notice sinking into his embrace.  
He distantly heard Dean's low voice murmuring in a calming sort of way "123... Breathe...123...breathe"

Castiel didn't open his eyes, but pressed two fingers to his neck, just under his jaw. It calmed him to realize that his heart was not beating as fast as it feels, and that he even had a pulse at all.

He could feel the medication begin to work and stood, eyes still closed. He exhaled and realized that Dean was still holding him.  
"Sorry" Castiel said, avoiding Dean's eyes.  
"It's okay. My kid brother used to have panic attacks a lot after our mom died." There was a silence and Castiel moved to start walking, Dean matching his step.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked.  
"I'll be fine... Thank you" Dean nodded and they noticed at the same time that they had reached Castiel's dorm.

Castiel began to insert his key into the door when he felt a hand on his arm, then turned.  
"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Castiel was almost surprised to see genuine concern in those green eyes and stood there, studying him.  
"Yes, thank you"  
"Alright. Call me if there's something I can do help. Guess I'll be seeing a lot of you." Castiel said nothing while Dean smiled and backed away, turning and disappearing into the black.

Once Castiel was safely in his room, Gabriel snoring away, he found a slipped paper in his pocket. He hadn't noticed that Dean slipped him his number with message saying,

"123....Breathe"


	2. Inhale...Exhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~Dean's Point of View~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to shoot for post every Tuesday, sooner if I finish early.  
> I HAVE ONLY SEEN UP TO SEASON SIX AND PART OF THAT SEASON.  
> Also, I am not in college and I have only been to UCLA once (the tour is where I got my inspiration for this actually:))  
> Anyways, I hope you're enjoying this!  
> Thank you for reading! Reviews, suggestions, corrections, and comments are appreciated:)

Dean liked being in college. He found UCLA to be a place that encouraged a future he never thought he could have. He was extremely surprised to find that he had been accepted into UCLA, but it seemed that they appreciated that he sought to get a good degree in engineering because not only was Dean good with cars, but a degree would help him get a well paying job to support his kid brother and himself. Dean had proved to be a hard worker with multiple jobs and a determination to put his family first. 

Dean had received a sizable scholarship, but still needed to work to pay the bills, the rest of his tuition, and save up for when his brother Sam started college. The kid had his sights set on Stanford, and he was smart enough for sure, but Dean constantly worried about their finances. 

The people at the escort service were mostly volunteers but the school was willing to let him make it his work-study. The hours were flexible, fitting in with his classes, working at the auto shop, and the occasional yard work around the neighborhoods. Dean also got to meet people, and while he was careful about who he trusted, he was friendly. Dean felt like he could be of service to the community by doing this as well. Though he may not seem the type, Dean was usually quick to help out. He felt he owed a few good deeds to offset the many times he fucked up.

Dean had been clean and sober for a little under a year, and was feeling pretty good. While he hadn't always exactly been a "goody two shoes," he had often striven to make his parents proud. 

His mom died when Dean was eight, Sam five. After that, his dad couldn't seem to stay in one place and they moved from city to city as John Winchester struggled with sobriety. It was hard for Dean to keep both his dad and himself sober, and he regretted every time that neither of them were. When his dad passed, he couldn't help but feel that he failed. Regardless, he liked being able to help people, to give what he never got.

Maybe that's why he was so interested in Castiel. It was rare to see someone come apart at the seams, much less a stranger. Not that Dean enjoyed it. It hurt to see this timid blue eyed-boy so afraid of everything. 

Sammy and he have definitely had those nights. Being so young and living on the streets just the two of them and needing to pretend that they were okay, that they were strong.

It was such a relief when their dad's old friend Ellen heard about their situation, put out feelers to find them and took them into her home. She was tough and honest, but she meant a lot to the boys, and took care of them. Dean quickly began to start pulling their weight at Ellen's Roadhouse Grill, and constantly argued with Ellen about paying their share of the bills. Ellen's daughter Jo became a good friend of theirs at two years younger than Dean and one year older than Sam.

Dean was known for being quite the flirt, but Jo was just as mouthy as her mother, and easily brushed off Dean's advances. Dean knew she was off limits though, like a sister, and acted innocent enough.

Dean was texting Jo, now beginning her Junior year at Lawrence High, while sitting with his feet up on the desk in the Campus Safety office. It was nearing eight and just beginning to get dark. 

Dean had just gotten off the phone with a girl by the Resources Lab asking for an escort and the other volunteer at the office, Ash, had left to walk her back to her dorm.

Dean sent a text to Jo about having nothing to do just as the office phone rang again.

"UCLA Campus Safety." Dean answered automatically. There was no response but a shaky breath on the other end.

"Hello?" Dean continued to wait patiently.   
He decided to take a leap and quietly asked,  
"Castiel?" He needed only wait a moment for a reply.

"Yes, um, hello Dean. I need an escort"  
Dean smiled at hearing his name.

"Everything okay Cas? Where are you?"

"My name is Castiel, and I am at the Covel Commons"

"Alright Cas-Castiel, hold on a minute. I'll be there soon... Just breathe"

He heard a click, signaling the end of the call, and hung up as well before grabbing his leather jacket and leaving.

Dean didn't mind night walks, and the commons wasn't far from where he was anyways. However, he walked briskly to reach Castiel as quickly as he could. He wondered if Cas was okay, and started thinking about what he could do to help him this time. He had researched panic attacks the night prior.

Dean had to restrain himself from bursting through the door, and was surprised to find Castiel sitting and facing him calmly.

"Hey"

"Hello Dean" Castiel stood, pulling on his jacket-a beige trenchcoat- and picking up his single notebook. Dean watched how Castiel moved carefully and particularly, but didn't notice Castiel stood looking at him expectantly. The two freshman waited awkwardly for the other before Dean took another step to the door and held it open.

"To your dorm?" He asked, and Castiel nodded.  
Eager to break the silence, Dean turned his head to Castiel,  
"How are you?"

"Fine, Dean, thank you" 

They continued on in silence before Castiel stopped and turned to look at Dean, head cocked to the side and peering eyes squinted,  
"You seem nervous. That is not reassuring to me." Castiel's gravelly voice said in a questioning tone.

Dean looked at Castiel with his innocent yet unfazed and curious stare, and took a risk.

"Sam got in a fight today." 

Castiel nodded, his brow still furrowed.

"And that worries you."   
It was not a question, and Dean said nothing.

"You care a lot about him. My brothers would think that if I got in a fight it was because I deserved it" Castiel said matter of factly.

Dean looked at him with surprise.  
"You have brothers?"

"Yes, three. A sister as well, Anael- she goes here as well."

"That's a lot" Dean considers out loud. Castiel nodded.

"Anael is a strange name. No offense."

Castiel shakes his head quickly,  
"None taken. We call her Anna. Our mother named us all after angels. Our family is very religious"

"That's cool, actually. Sam and Dean is pretty boring. Sam was named after our Grandpa but he turned out to be a dick" Dean shudders at the thought of his cold grandfather.

"Is Sam alright?"

"Yea, yea. He's a tough kid, he grew up learning how to fight"

Castiel tipped his head, so Dean continued,  
"My dad was a Marine, thought we should learn to protect ourselves. We moved around a lot after my mom died. He left us alone quite a bit to work odd jobs and we had to know what to do in case something happened. 'Protect Sammy, Dean. If nothing else, watch your brother'" Dean quieted suddenly and could tell that Castiel was uncomfortable. Dean began to apologize but Castiel interrupted.

"'I think your dad and my dad should go bowling'"

Dean startled Castiel with a chuckle. He hadn't known Castiel long, but it didn't seem like him to say something like that.

Castiel looked sheepishly at the ground,  
"I saw that in a movie"

"Breakfast Club"

"Yes. Anna was watching it during her rebellious phase"

"That was her rebellious phase?" Dean asked incredulously.

"My father is very strict. Until I was seventeen I had only heard Christian music."

"Dude that sucks," Castiel shrugged "so what do you listen to now that you have your independence?"

"I like opera." 

Dean snorted but sobered when Castiel glared at him.

"Hey man, you like what you like. Ever listen to Led Zepplin? Or The Who?"  
Dean gaped as Castiel shook his head.

"Well, if it's not too forward of me, i'm going to start giving you music history lessons, show you the good stuff."

Castiel smiled,  
"I would like that very much Dean"

Neither of them noticed that they had reached the dorm and had been standing there talking for several minutes.


	3. Respirant de Odis, Suspiro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not read Slaughterhouse Five, so there may be incorrect character analysis.  
> I think this was the awkwardest chapter to write(until the smut). anyways, enjoy!
> 
> I'm posting early this week because I've been productive:)

For the most part, Castiel kept to himself and his dorm room. He spoke in class often, but not to the other students. He wasn't involved in any clubs, nor did did he spend much time anywhere outside of his room, his classes, and the library. 

Except that he liked to get up early and run. The morning chill was fresh and few people were awake, much less out.

Castiel was used to being alone, but he didn't often feel lonely until Saturdays. No classes, he had usually already finished his work, and Gabriel invited Castiel out with his friends every week, but Castiel always respectfully declined. Some Saturdays he would pick a new language to spend the day learning, some he wouldn't even bother getting out of bed.   
Despite his agoraphobic tendencies, Castiel would occasionally feel suffocated. 

A particular Saturday was one of those days. After waking up early to go on one of his runs, Castiel decided to take his book to the local coffee shop. 

He sat under a tree on the grass just outside the on-campus shop drinking his non-caffeinated Passion Fruit tea. His psychiatrist recommended that he avoid coffee and other caffeinated drinks to prevent his jitteriness and anxiety.  
   
Castiel was reading his favorite book, called "Warriors". The author discusses the role of Angels as soldiers of God as according to lore, the bible, and other research. Castiel found it fascinating.  
Not as fascinating as the shadow that fell upon the pages, however, and Castiel looked up to see Dean. 

Castiel had few, if any, friends outside of his family. He wasn't sure if his roommate counted. Dean and he had met quite a few times for Castiel to be escorted, but Castiel wasn't quick to call anyone his friend unless they verbally said so. There was that Dean gave him his number the first time they met, but Castiel was unsure of what that meant.

"Hey Cas, how you doing?"  
Castiel looked up at Dean but didn't correct the nickname. Dean had sort of weaseled it into their conversations.

"Hello Dean. I am fine, and you?" 

"I'm good. Busy, but good," Dean laughed. It was a nice laugh, Castiel thought. 

"You mind if I sit here?" He asked. 

Castiel waved his hand,  
"Not at all, please" 

Dean dropped his books on the ground and sat comfortably next to Castiel on the grass. Castiel looked back down at his book, trying not to think about Dean watching him. It was incredibly distracting. 

"Whatcha reading?" Dean asked curiously.

Castiel looked up again,  
"Its a book that explores the lore and history behind researching angels"

Dean looked at him with fascination  
"That sounds awesome, man. You're really into this angel thing, huh? I'm more of a Vonnegut man myself"

Castiel looked at Dean in surprise.   
"You are?"

Dean chuckled, as though surprise came often when people learned of his literary tastes.

"I didn't mean it that way-"  
Castiel interjected quickly but Dean waved him off.

"Don't worry about it" Dean smiled.

"So which of his books do you prefer?"  
Castiel said in attempt to save the conversation. He had a tendency to ward potential friends off with accidental arrogance and condescension.

Dean thinks for a minute,  
"Slaughterhouse-Five. There are a lot of themes I can relate to. The idea of fate versus free will is something I've struggled a lot with. You know, trying to make a good life for my brother and me even when it seemed like the whole world was against us. Fatalism: seems like everyone's dying, man..."

Dean drifted off, realizing awkwardly how morbid and personal he had gotten.   
 Castiel continued to look at Dean, who couldn't meet his eyes. People had told him that he had an odd quirk of staring, but Dean never seemed to mind.

"I may not know you very well, Dean, but it seems apparent the kind of person you are. It has been a very long time since I have read the book, but you remind me of Edgar Derby. He figured out a way to fight in the war alongside his students, he stood up to people. Like you, he was brave. Dean, you do so much for other people, you work incredibly hard, and I find you to be incredibly honorable" 

Castiel finished speaking and immediately turned bright red, he was not the type to say much at all, regardless of who he was speaking to. He sincerely hoped he didn't jeopardize the conversation, for Dean was nice and Castiel appreciated the company. But Dean smiled at him, equally embarrassed, and began to chuckle.

"Thanks man, I appreciate that." 

Castiel smiled back at him, and they sat in silence for a few moments.

"So what are you planning for the weekend?" Dean asked.

"Most likely I will be attempting to get ahead in my classes."

"You're not hanging out with friends or anything?"

"Depends on what you mean by friends. I will likely be seeing my roommate at some point. My sister as well" Castiel answered seriously. 

Dean leaned in with his eyebrows pushed together as though he was trying to figure Castiel out.

"Cas, do you ever talk to anyone else? Go anywhere?"  
Castiel could not understand Dean's concern. Sure, he knew that he was atypical, that other people had friends and did things outside of academics. 

"I talk to my professors. I talk to my family. My roommate talks a lot but I think he just needs someone to hear him... I talk to you"   
Castiel drifted off, before staring at the ground and cautiously adding,  
"Are you my friend?"

Dean looked at him for a moment and a rare genuine smile spread across his face. He shifted to look squarely at Castiel

"Alright man, I thought we were friends but we can do the whole 'official' thing. I think you're pretty awesome and I think we should hang out. Castiel, would you like to be my friend?"

Castiel searched Dean's face for mockery but found none. All he found was interest, kindness, mild amusement, and a question Castiel had yet to answer. 

Castiel looked at his feet and back up at Dean, then smiled and nodded. Dean nodded back, matching Castiel's smile.  
He stood looking down on Castiel, a hand outreached.

"Come on then. I owe you a music education, then we'll plan your first real college weekend" 

Castiel looked up at Dean with wide eyes, unsure, and then took his hand.


	4. Rise, and Fall

"So this is Lead Zepplin?"

"No, it's Led Zepplin"

"That's what I said, Dean"

"No Cas, I can tell. You're one of those guys that would spell it L E A D. I can hear it"

Cas looked at Dean, confused. Dean almost burst out laughing at the frustrated puppy look on his face.

"Don't worry about it man. There are more important matters at hand"

Dean pulled out another record from the shelf in his room at Bobby's house.

"Look, some people are gonna tell you that you oughtta update to a surround sound or an iPod or some other plastic crap. My baby plays music great, but nothing sounds as great as it does on a record"

Castiel squinted at him again,  
"Your baby?"

"'67 Chevy Impala. It used to be my dad's, but when he died Bobby got it until I moved in here a few months ago. My dad taught me everything he knew about cars on that beauty" Dean explained proudly, but Cas just looked at him before leaning forward and saying meaningfully,  
"I'm sorry about your father Dean. And your mother"

Dean looked down at the record he was holding, suddenly sober.  
"Yea. Me too."  
The room was quiet again, Cas watching him intensely as usual, before Dean spoke again

"Tell me you've heard of The Beatles. Every night my mom would sing 'Hey Jude' and then tell me that angels were watching over me"

Dean didnt stop looking at the record until Castiel slowly took it from him and replaced the Led Zepplin record with it. He checked the case to find the track number, then set it on 'Hey Jude'.

Paul McCartney's voice filled the room. Dean wiped at his eyes, embarrassed, then laid back onto the carpet.  
Cas was still watching him and Dean could feel it.  
When a cold but soft hand touched his, Dean rolled his head to look at Cas with tired eyes. Cas was still watching him, but softly, less intense.

"I lied to you." Castiel whispered in his gravelly voice.

Dean rolled his torso over and propped himself up on his elbow, eyes questioning, but said nothing.

"I have four brothers, not three," Cas looked down but didn't stop speaking "I left out my twin brother, Jimmy. He died last year. It was very difficult to convince my parents to let me leave home after his death. It became easier for the family to pretend that he never existed. That made Anna mad but she was already here for school, she couldn't do anything about it. I was the only one that openly questioned my father when he took Jimmy's pictures and cleaned out his side of our room. I think my father burned all of his pictures. I have the last one. We look-looked identical. Jimmy was my best friend, the person I was closest to. I talked to him the most, more than with than Anna"

Dean just looked at him with concerned eyes. Castiel's voice got rougher as he spoke and Dean squeezed his fingers.

"I'm sorry Cas. I can't imagine losing Sam," he whispered "Is that why you've got the anxiety?"

Castiel nodded before hugging his knees and putting his head between them. Dean sat up and ran his fingers through Castiel's black, messy hair before laying his head on Castiel's shoulder.

They sat like that for a long time, the two broken boys with holes in their hearts.  
Thy both jumped when they heard a door slam.  
"Oh, it's just Bobby. Wanna stay for burgers? A smart college student never refuses free food" Dean asked.

Cas snorted and began to laugh and Dean joined him though neither of them could figure out what was so funny. Dean couldn't help but think about how nice it was to hear him laugh.  
   
Bobby found them both collapsed on the floor laughing so hard they both were crying tears that were no longer tragic.  
Bobby cleared his throat just as the record player began to play "Yellow Submarine" and the boys laughed even harder. When they finally calmed down they looked up at Bobby and got to their feet.

"Bobby, this is Cas, Castiel.  He's staying for dinner"

"Well if your highness says so" Bobby exclaimed sarcastically and winked at Cas while shaking his hand. 

"I'll help with the burgers" Dean compromised with a smile, and chuckled when Bobby grunted and left.

He turned to Castiel,  
"Bobby's not as much of a hard-ass as he seems. He's a good guy" 

Castiel nodded, smiling, then surprised Dean by wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. After a moment, Dean hugged him back and they smiled.

"Thank you Dean, for everything" Catiel said seriously and Dean nodded.  
 They clicked off the record and went to join Bobby.


	5. He's Giving Me Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been away so long! Had a bit of a dry spell but I wrote all this today because I needed to get it out and online for you guys. I hope you like it!  
> I'm excited to see where this goes.  
> ALSO, I thought it was time to start moving things along, so you'll start to see Castiel thinking about things (or people;) more

Bobby grilled Castiel throughout dinner.  
Castiel didn’t mind; he knew that the way he stares at people, or how close he tends to stand to them, or even how rough and deep his voice was despite his small physique could be unsettling. He also knew that Bobby was just being protective. 

Still, Castiel patiently answered the questions Bobby threw at him about his family and his classes and legal record and life goals.  
It wasn’t until Bobby began to ask about Castiel’s love life that Castiel began to cough, abashed, and Dean finally interrupted,  
“Alright, okay Bobby. Let’s not scare the guy away already” Dean interfered, and Castiel shot him a grateful look. Bobby just grunted in response, mouth full of hamburger.  
“So, um…Dean mentioned that you work with cars…sir” Castiel remembered.  
Bobby shifted and swallowed, sitting up straight while obviously pleased that Castiel had taken an interest.  
“Yeah, uh…Yes, I do. Been workin’ them my whole life. You know anything about cars?” Castiel blushed before responding,  
“Not very much, but I’m sure I’d like to learn” Bobby chuckled at Castiel’s obvious naïveté, and Dean beamed. Castiel took this to mean that he had passed some sort of test.  
Dean made eye contact with Castiel and grinned.  
Castiel barely spoke the rest of dinner, but allowed himself to laugh quietly at Dean and Bobby’s banter. His own family was cold and stoic, saying a polite grace before eating, and addressing each other formally. Bobby and Dean were much more warm. The joked, they laughed. Dean and Castiel had both had a dad, more or else, but Dean also had a father.  
“Oh, Dean-“ Bobby recalled suddenly, interrupting Castiel’s thoughts, “Sam’s coming up next weekend.”  
If Castiel thought that Dean was smiling before, it now seemed as if his grin would shoot off his face. Dean abruptly turned to Castiel,  
“Dude, you gotta come over next weekend and meet Sammy. You’ll love him. He’ll love you” Castiel didn’t even have to think about it,  
“Sure”

Usually, Castiel would be nervous about meeting someone new, but if he’s related to Dean, he’ll be just fine.

 

After dinner, Castiel found himself sitting on Dean’s couch with dramatic opening music playing on the TV  
“Part Two of Pop Culture Night. Man, you’re gonna love Star Wars” Dean exclaimed animatedly.  
“Why does it say Part 4? Shouldn’t we start from the beginning?” Castiel cocked is head in question. Dean only laughed.  
“Cas, they released the movies in a certain order. You have to watch them chronologically, not numerically” Castiel nodded, but was still confused.

It wasn’t bad, Castiel thought. The hero, Luke, was impulsive and reckless, but grew to be empathetic. Every now and then Dean would make a noise in response to the movie, as though he had never seen it before.  
When he did, his eyes crinkled.  
Despite the film being interesting thus far, Castiel couldn’t help but feel particularly conscious. Conscious of the heat of Dean’s skin just inches away; conscious of the fact that if he wanted to, Dean’s hand was within reach.  
Dean, noticing Castiel’s stiffness, turned to him,  
“Hey, what’s up? Are you hungry or anything? Here, I’ll get some popcorn” Dean got up and walked into the next room.  
Castiel exhaled and rubbed his forehead with the palms of his hands.

He was gay; he knew that. He always knew that. Of course, no one else did. Jimmy had been the only one Castiel had told. Who else could he tell? His family would tell him that he was going to hell.  
Dean was obviously straight. Besides, did Castiel really want to throw away the only good friendship he had made since Jimmy died? No.  
Dean collapsed back on the couch with a bowl of popcorn after tossing a can of soda at Castiel.

An hour later, Castiel awoke to rolling credits. He yawned,  
“Sorry Dean, I didn’t mean to fall asleep and miss the movie”  
“It’s alright man. It just gives us an excuse to watch it again some time” Dean’s reply rumbled. Castiel wondered why he could feel the vibration of Dean’s voice and realizes that his head was on Dean’s shoulder.  
His breath hitched, but he didn’t move.  
Dean didn’t notice.  
“Besides, you looked comfortable. I couldn’t wake you up”  
Castiel lifted his head awkwardly before yawning again.  
Look dude, we’re right by campus but it’s kind of late. Do you wanna just crash here?”  
Castiel’s face burned, but he took a moment to think. Gabriel wouldn’t miss him, and he had his medication with him. He couldn’t think of a good reason not to.  
“I don’t have a toothbrush,” He said dumbly.  
Dean laughed again and waved his hand.  
“We got extras. You can borrow something to sleep in, too”  
The though of sleeping in Dean’s shirt sent a jolt of electricity straight to his crotch.  
“Uh, yeah. Sure” Castiel stuttered. Dean looked at him for a moment and Castiel feared that he was transparent, but then it passed.  
“Alright” Sean said with a smile and they got up.

Once they were back in Dean’s room, Dean tossed him a t=shirt before stripping off his own.  
Castiel couldn’t help but stare for a moment, but quickly looked away, cheeks pink.  
Dean was not assertively muscular, and not wiry, but his body was well defined. His stomach was a bit soft, and his shoulders like his face: freckled.Castiel didn’t face him again until he was sure that Dean was wearing a shirt. All Dean had on was a t-shirt and boxers, and Castiel still stood there holding Dean’s extra shirt in his hand before clearing his throat. He turned away to change.

Castiel himself was pale and thin, little muscle, but he wasn’t necessarily ashamed of his body. Still, he was a bit embarrassed to feel so exposed.  
Dean didn’t notice his discomfort and left the room only to return with a box. As Dean began t unpack the air mattress, Castiel settled onto Dean’s bed, cross-legged. After a few moments of silence, Castiel found him self blurting out,  
“Jimmy would’ve liked you” Dean stopped and looked up at him.  
“Yea?” Castiel nodded.  
“Well, my mom would’ve loved you. I think she woulda tried to adopt you,” He laughed. Castiel chuckled in slight confusion,  
“What?”  
“She would’ve gone, ‘Dean, is this your friend?’” Dean imitated in falsetto, “’he is just so cute. Absolutely precious. Come in, sit down Castiel. I’ll make you some Mac-and-cheese, you’re so thin’” The two laughed, and before Castiel could overthink it, he joked,  
“You think I’m cute?” Dean blushed and laughed,  
“Adorable” The boys laughed then sobered quickly, both faces red from laughter and sheepishness.

 

An hour later they were laughing again, and throwing popcorn at eachother. Dean had thought it necessary to have a second dosage of snacks.  
“Well how was I supposed to know that the mic was on?” Dean roared and Castiel doubled over laughing. They wiped tears at their eyes and waited for the laughing, now turned giggling, to subside. Neither of them thought much of how they were tittering like two 12-year-old girls.

 

“Really though, most embarrassing moment- go” Dean ordered.  
“Umm... oh! There was- there was the time my family went to this park after church. My mother thinks that nature helps you get in touch with God, so we used to go pray and do a bible study at this park often. Anyways- so we’re sitting and holding hands and praying and this dog comes up behind me- little Chinua- and it’s really cute and the rest of my family has their eyes closed. The dog is just kind of sniffing around and next thing I know he lifts his leg and peed on me” Dean started cracking up and Castiel couldn’t help but follow,  
“My dad was not very happy with me though so he wouldn’t let me clean up until we finished prayers” Castiel’s face quickly turned sour at the memory and Dean quieted quickly,  
“You don’t like them much?” Castiel shook his head vigorously,  
“No, no, I love them it’s just…my family isn’t very…affectionate. Not like yours. It was all about religion-and I love God and I love the church- but it felt like we didn’t get a chance to be a family. Sometimes it felt more like a congregation. And all the rules were suffocating. Of course I never did anything I wasn’t supposed to, but father has a short temper. I like it here, Dean. You guys care about each other”  
Dean half laughed,  
“Well my family’s pretty fucked up. Ellen was good to us, and Bobby’s more of a father than my dad ever was but, its’ pretty dysfunctional. Sammy’s the only blood I got left. My dad was a drunk who gave me my first beer. My mom, she was great. We were a good family and once she died…everything fell apart, you know? That’s when my dad started drinking, moving us around…” Dean stared at the bedspread, picking at a loose thread.  
“Who’s Ellen?” Castiel asked cautiously.  
“Yea, uh,” Dean paused, searching for his words

“There’s a lotta stuff you don’t know about me, Cas. Uh, see, when my dad passed, there wasn’t anywhere for us to go and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let CPS put Sammy into the system. So uh, we ran. We lived on the street. I had to protect Sammy and keep him fed. There’s a lot of, um, shitty things I did for money. Blowing older guys behind bars and stuff. We were in a bad place when Ellen heard about us. She was a good friend of my dads, I think they used to date or something. Anyways, she heard that we were out there and she looked and looked. She’s got a lot of contacts and she found us. I was fourteen, I think. Anyways, she took us in kept us out of trouble. I know I didn’t make it easy for her. I was mad at everything and everyone. But I got a real job to help cover the bills and yeah. Her daughter’s in between Sammy and I, age-wise, she’s like a sister”  
“I never would’ve guessed, Dean. It always seems like you’ve got it all together” Castiel spoke softly.  
Dean laughed bitterly, and his face turned to stone. It was then that Castiel could see the lines in his face, the rings under his eyes, and could picture a 12 or 14-year-old Dean, a scared and hardened boy.

Castiel didn’t know what to do, so he put his hand on Dean’s, and watched him. Dean’s other hand was holding his head up, his elbow on his knee. Before Castiel knew it, Dean lunged forward and gripped him in a tight hug. Castiel was startled, but then relaxed and hugged Dean back. Dean’s head rested in the crook of Castiel’s neck. Castiel couldn’t help but notice that he could feel Dean’s heartbeat.


	6. Don't Suffocate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the relationship is moving slowly, but I'm trying to get there.  
> Thanks for reading!

Sammy was coming home in two days.  
To say that Dean was in a good mood was an understatement.  
When he was under the hood of a car at Bobby’s garage, he was humming. In his classes, his foot was always tapping with a newfound energy. Usually, he was exhausted from working both jobs and passing his classes, but this is a good week. He saw Cas over the weekend, he got to work on a beautiful '54 Chevy Delray, and he was gonna get to see Sammy.

In the last ten years, this had been the longest he had gone without Sammy, other than his few stints in juvie.  
When they were on the streets, they could only depend on each other.  
Sammy was going into his sophomore year and was both smart and a smartass. Not to mention that he, at the age of fifteen, was already 6 feet tall and had the wiry kid had passed Dean up.  
Sammy, too, had to grow up quickly, but Dean had tried to protect him as much as he could.  
Dean couldn’t wait to introduce Cas to Sam. Sure, Cas was a bit…quirky, but they got a long and there was something about Cas that he trusted. His innocence, maybe. Those blue eyes. Soft like Dean’s mom’s were, much bluer though. Maybe his throaty laugh. Or, just maybe, it was that he trusted Dean as well.  
Dean cared a lot about Cas; he didn’t want to see him get hurt, and he was becoming a good friend.  
But lately the lines between friendship and whatever else were getting a little more blurred.  
During the week, Dean would automatically meet Castiel at the library at 11. 

Although Cas would sometimes be a bit jittery on the walk, his panic attacks came less often. Cas had been focusing more on their conversations than their surroundings. Suffice to say, Castiel of course still struggle with his anxieties. Dean continued to offer a hand, water, or whatever else Castiel needed. Sometimes, all he could do was be there. Dean always wished that there were more that he could do.

One day after his Intro to Physics class, Dean had to stop by the bookstore to get a calculator, after his eternally froze. He found a black TI-84 Plus and made his way to the cashier. As he waited for the red-headed sophomore to ring up the calculator, naturally flashing her his charming smile, he noticed a revolving stand on the counter. The stand held several books with solid color covers. The sign said that they were blank journals.  
“Hey wait. Uh-can you ring this up too?” Dean blurted, sliding a black leather journal with a silver bind across the counter. She nodded, and soon Dean was on his way out the door, bag in hand, and tossed the receipt in the trash-the cashier’s number on the back.  
\------

While at the campus safety office a few hours later, Dean ordered Sammy’s train ticket and emailed him the link, then called Ellen to check that Sammy would make it to the station okay.  
It was still relatively early, so Ash handed Dean 2 sticky notes with escort requests while answering another call.  
Dean grabbed his leather jacket and headed to the East side of campus. It would only take a few minutes. He whistled to himself during his brisk walk and checked the first note again. It had not been a call, but someone had pushed the button on a Blue Light pole, one of many strewn across campus. Recalling that Blue Light calls tend to be a bit more urgent, Dean sped up slightly. He heard them before he saw them. He jogged up to the clamor, finding 3 guys, probably juniors, and the same ginger that was working at the bookstore earlier.  
“There a problem here?” Dean inquired, voice now rough and edged. The one that spoke up was oddly cheerful, businesslike, and…British?  
“No, no… We are wonderful. Dear Anna here was just telling us how excited she was to come to our Phi Epsilon party” The redhead, Anna, clenched her jaw but said nothing. Dean took a step forward and the Brit raised his eyebrow.  
“Is that right? I’m sure you guys have crowds of girls chasing after you, so why don’t you just leave this nice girl alone, alright?” Dean reasoned.  
The Brit chuckled, and Dean really was starting to get ticked off at this guy.  
The moment Dean started towards them, one of the other guys leapt forward and slugged him in the stomach. It took but a second for Dean’s street instincts to take over, and he pulled back and punched the guy square in the face, hitting the bone in a way that he knew would hurt just right. The guy howled and dropped.  
The English guy continued to stand there with his hands in his pockets and a smug look on his face. Dean charged him, swinging, and suddenly arms wrapped around his neck from behind. He was swung back, and as he landed he heard a sickening crack. Electricity shot through his left leg, and he went dizzy from the pain. He heard a vague mix of noise in front of him, and when he looked up, the group of guys was gone. The girl, Anna, approached him carefully and held out a hand. Dean took it and tried to stand but winced and settled back down.  
“I think my leg’s broken” Anna nodded in agreement.  
“Come on Dean, I’ll take you to the ER” She helped up and he limped, leaning on her.  
“Wait, how do you know my name?”  
She grinned at him, remarking  
“Because I know my brother” and realization struck him  
“Anna, Cas’ sister” She nodded, laughing, and guided him towards her car, a dark blue truck.  
“Nice truck” He mentioned as soon as they were settled inside.  
“Thanks. Bought it myself,” she paused to look at him  
“Look…thanks for helping me out back there. I’m really sorry about your leg” Anna apologized, starting the engine.  
“It’s fine, this is my job” Dean said through clenched teeth.  
“Want some Ibuprofen?” Anna asked, then laughed when Dean shot her the most sarcastic face he could think of, one that Sammy would have been proud of. 

Anna was everything Castiel wasn’t-talkative, relaxed, and sociable. Still, there were little things in her that reminded Dean of Cas, like the way shadows crept into her eyes if she referenced her family, or her smile- although it came more often from her than from Cas.  
She parked and went inside to find a wheelchair, despite Dean’s protests, and a few hours later and x-rays later, Dean sat on a bed, leg heavy with a slowly hardening cast. Anna decided to stick around, even though Bobby came to mutter an  
“Idjit” and went to the cafeteria for a free coffee. Anna was flipping through a parasitic meningitis pamphlet when Dean abruptly sat up.  
“Shit!” Anna looked up at him curiously.  
“I was supposed to meet Cas at 11, he probably thinks I blew him off!”  
Anna stood, waving her hand.  
“I’ll just call him and explain, he’ll understand”  
“I know but I gotta get him from the library” Dean raked his fingers through his hair and Anna stopped, watching him with a strange look on her face. She asked,  
“What medication does he take when he’s having a panic attack?”  
“A .75 mg tab of Xanax”  
“How many pills can he take without water?”  
“Four if he has to, but he prefers water”  
“How does he calm himself down?”  
“He takes his pulse, and counts to 3 between breaths. If he can reason that he’s not having a heart attack, he knows he’ll be fine” Dean rattled off before even realizing that Anna was interrogating him. She paused, thinking,  
“You take good care of my brother, you hear?” She spoke softly, and then stepped out into the hallway to make the call. She came back to say that she would pick Cas up and apologized again for Dean’s leg.

The whole conversation was weird, and Dean was confused. He’d spent enough time with Cas to know these things, and his anxiety had squiggled itself into Dean’s life. 

That’s what you do when you care about someone, right? Dean did care about him, of course.  
Of course.

“Hello Dean” Dean’s head snapped towards the familiar gravelly voice in the doorway.  
“Cas,” Dean breathed, “Dude I am SO sorry I didn’t meet you-“  
“Dean. It’s fine. I see you met my sister” Castiel assured, making his way to the chair beside the bed.  
“Thank you for protecting her” All Dean could do was nod in response and utter a single,  
“Yeah” The night didn’t seem so bad after all. Cas settled into the chair, calmly.  
“Is everything okay Cas?” Cas looked at him with a fogged look, and nodded.  
“Yes-yes Dean. I took my medication before I came. A bit more than I should have, actually” Cas laughed bitterly.  
“Cas, don’t worry I’m fi-“ The reality of the situation hit him cold in the face.  
“You don’t like hospitals” He said softly. Cas looked down, wringing his hands. Dean reached over and took his hand.

“Hey…” softly, “Hey” Careful of his leg, he nudged Cas onto the bed. He sat there, refusing to meet Dean’s eyes.  
“Hey, look at me” dean lifted Castiel’s chin with his thumb and Cas’ eyes continued to look downwards before reluctantly looking up at Dean  
“You’re okay” Dean whispered, and Cas’ hand trembled.

Looking at Cas in front of him, falling apart, Dean wanted nothing more than to take him in and wrap him in light, he wanted to kiss his brokenness and make it better, and he wanted to help Cas be okay.  
They watched eachother for a few moments, Dean’s hand stroking his cheek.  
“You’re okay”  
“I’m okay”

Cas closed his eyes and swallowed, suddenly appearing exhausted and aged beyond his years. He leaned forward and their foreheads touched comfortingly. Dean, too, closed his eyes, and they stayed like that before Cas moved to his shoulder, snuggling his face into Dean’s neck. Dean remembered thinking that his face was wet.

Dean awoke to a nurse at the foot of his bed peering at him and the sleeping blue-eyed boy next to him. Dean recalled her name as Missouri, and braced himself for her fire and sass. She only winked at him and whispered firmly,  
“Watch that leg…and if I catch y’all doing the dirty deed, you are out of here” She finished checking the cast, smiled at him and left before he could correct her.  
He looked down at Cas, noticing his long black eyelashes for the first time, and gently touched them with his thumb. Dean took his hand away, thinking himself overstepping, and carefully brought his hand back to Cas’ cheek and kissed his forehead.

And what if he had known that Cas, at Missouri’s entrance, had awoken?


	7. You Take My Breath Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a part that includes poker. I don't understand the game at all, so that may not be completely accurate.  
> Thanks for reading!!:)

It was a big night.  
Such that, Castiel found it difficult to breathe when he thought of it.  
He worried when Dean didn’t show up. Worried that maybe Dean wasn’t really his friend, worried that something was wrong. He had panicked when Anna told him that Dean got hurt; he felt pride at hearing of Dean’s attempt to protect a stranger.  
He felt a mix of excitement and fear when he told Anna to take him to the hospital when she offered to drive him to his dorm.  
Then he realized what the hospital meant, what ghostly, graying faces were burned into his memory. As soon as Anna dropped him off and told him the room number, he pulled the Xanax out in the parking lot and took three- as many as he knew he could take and still walk in a straight line.  
He was overwhelmed upon entering Dean’s room, but Dean held him.  
Dean held him.

Castiel thought that to himself repeatedly, putting an emphasis on a different word each time.  
DEAN held him.  
Dean HELD him.  
Dean held HIM.

He refused to think about what transpired afterwards. He could not allow himself to believe that Dean kissed him, for fear that he had been dreaming.  
But oh, if Dean had. 

Sam Winchester flew in today, and Castiel was invited to dinner.  
Castiel spent a lot of time staring at the few clothes he had before Gabriel (after teasing him about being a girl before her “date”) threw him a dark blue collared button-down.  
He walked to Bobby’s house at dusk, and herd loud and boisterous voices coming from inside.  
Castiel knocked on the door, and a moment later was greeted by a human tower. Sam was wiry, and his hair was longer than Deans. Castiel, had he not heard so much about him, would not have believed that Sam was but 15.

“Hey! Castiel right? Come in!” Sam shook his hand maturely and gestured inside.  
“Dean, Castiel is here!” Dean bounded into the room with his crutches and clapped and hand on Castiel’s back.  
“Sammy, Cas. Cas, Sammy”  
“Only he calls me Sammy” Sam explained.  
“Only he calls me Cas” Castiel responded with a chuckle. Dean grinned ear to ear, obviously pleased that the two had hit it off.

“Ahhh, my two best friends,” Dean sighed happily, “who’s ready to EAT?”

Cas joined the clamor as they moved into the dining room, and shook Bobby’s hand as usual. 

“Alright boys, we got potato salad, grilled chicken, and bread. Dig in” Bobby grunted and they all took their seats, Sam on one side of Dean and Castiel on the other. 

Castiel bowed his head to say grace quietly, and Dean noticed,  
“Hey, let’s say grace tonight.” Sammy and Bobby looked at Dean and he tilted his head towards Castiel. The two nodded quickly and they all took each other’s hands.  
“Uh…Cas,” Dean laughed awkwardly, “Help us out here”  
Castiel shifted uncomfortably before beginning,  
“Dear God, thank you for this food, and that we are all here together. We thank you that Sam got here safely, and pray for Dean’s leg to heal quickly. Amen”  
“Amen” The others said in unison, and there was a clatter of noise as they all began to eat. 

“So Castiel, you go to UCLA too?” Sam asked, mouth full of potato salad.  
“Yes, I do. I am majoring in Ancient Theology and Languages” Castiel answered, and Sam raised his eyebrows and exhaled,  
“Whoa, that’s interesting! How did you get into that?” Sam leaned in, interested. Dean smirked at Sam’s nerdiness and listened in.  
“My family is very religious and I enjoy learning about language and history. UCLA has a good program to support that. Dean said you are intending to go to Stanford; is there something you are interested in studying?” Cas asked and Sam nodded enthusiastically.  
“Law. Yeah, I’ve been set on it for years” 

“Alright, alright, enough of the bore” Dean interrupted. Sam shot Dean one of his infamous bitch-faces and turned to ask Bobby about the garage. As usual, Castiel simply listened to the conversation. Dean occasionally caught Castiel’s eye and winked. Castiel blushed every time. 

“So, uh Dean.” Sam addressed.  
Dean looked up from his plate,  
“Yeah?”  
“I-uh… I was thinking of moving up here. To Bobby’s” Sam mentioned casually. Bobby shrugged to Dean in approval. Dean processed for a moment and turned to Sam,  
“What about school? You know I wanna be around you more man, but you can’t throw all the important stuff away”  
“Actually,” Sam geared up, the gears in his mind whirring, “I found a high school near here. It doesn’t start for another two weeks, so I won’t have missed anything. Come on, It’s not like I have much to leave behind, and we can always visit Ellen and Jo”  
Dean continued to think the proposal through,  
“We got an extra room not being used. I don’t…I don’t see why not” Dean grinned and Sam hugged him excitedly.  
“Awesome, thank you so much Dean. I come back in a week with all my stuff. This is going to be awesome.”  
“Okay, okay. No chick flick moments” Dean said sternly, but couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Castiel grinned as well, and everyone was in a good mood.

After dinner, Castiel found himself playing poker with Dean and Sam as they patiently explained the game to him.  
“Dean. I’m sorry, this makes no sense” Castiel admitted. Dean just laughed.  
“It’s alright man, it takes awhile to get the hang of it. You wanna just watch Sammy and me play the first hand?” Castiel nodded and Sam remarked,  
“Watch his expression he’s got an awful poker face”  
“Yeah, but I still kick your ass every time” Dean shot back with a smirk.

His poker face really was a dead giveaway, Castiel thought. Dean would drop his head too low, stare at Sam, and purse his lips exaggeratedly to the point of hollowing his cheeks. True to his word, however, Dean continued to beat his younger brother.

“Alright, I gotta get to bed and stop losing my money” Sam announced, and Dean laughed maniacally and victoriously, gathering his chips. Castiel grinned and Sam waved goodnight as he began to exit.  
“Night-night Sammy!” He turned to Castiel,  
“Are you any good at War?”  
Castiel leered,  
“Am I any good at war?” Dean laughed richly again,  
“Alright then, we’ll have to make this interesting”  
“How so?” Castiel wondered.  
“Every time one wins, the other has to…  
Strip,”Castiel vigorously shook his head  
“Do a dare?” Castiel squinted his eyes and tilted his head. Dean exhaled with mock annoyance.  
“Um…Answer a question?” Castiel shrugged,  
“It’s on!”  
They moved into Dean’s room for privacy, and set up on the floor with the deck of cards, Dean’s casted legset on a pillow.  
Dean lost the first one.  
“Hm…what’s the most trouble you’ve gotten in?” Castiel asked.  
“Geez,” Dean laughed “Uh-juvie. By the time we landed at Ellen’s, I wasn’t…in the greatest mindset. I got into um, drugs and stuff and got caught twice before Ellen smacked some sense into me to get my shit together. I couldn’t keep doing that to Sammy” Castiel nodded and, and they continued flipping cards in unison. Then Castiel lost.

“Okay…tell me about your first time”  
“With?”  
“Sex” Castiel immediately blushed and looked down.  
“Uh, I haven’t-“Dean shrugged,  
“That’s fine man, don’t worry about it. First kiss then?”  
Castiel kept eye contact this time, but bit into his cheek, embarrassed at his inexperience. Dean raised his eyebrows.  
“Really? What you never liked any girls enough to…” Castiel swallowed, his heart thudding,  
“I’m, I’m not-uh…I’m gay, Dean”  
Oh,” Dean sat back nonchalantly, “Okay”  
“Okay?”  
“You really think I care about stuff like that dude?”

They continued to flip cars in silence, and then Dean stated,  
“Besides…I’m bi” Castiel stopped and gaped at him.  
“Come on, what’s the big deal?” Castiel shook his head,  
“Nothing. I just, - nothing” Dean watched him for a moment before flipping his card. Dean won again.  
Castiel looked at him hesitatingly, awaiting a question.  
“You don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want to but…What happened to Jimmy?”  
Castiel nodded and sighed,  
“He uh-He killed himself. That’s why my parents preferred to pretend that he didn’t exist. They did not want to feel blame, and our faith believes suicide to be a mortal sin. They are ashamed. Jimmy and I were…very close. What hurt him hurt me. But I guess I never realized how much, or I could have helped him” Castiel drifted off Dean watched him closely and placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, but Castiel pretended not to notice and continued flipping cards. Castiel won, and finally met Dean’s eyes,  
“Why did you put yourself in danger for Anna when you didn’t even know her?” HE asked curiously. Dean shrugged with a weak smile and picked at his cast.  
“Because I’ve been in situations like that where I didn’t get any help from anyone. Things could have gone really, really badly for your sister” Castiel gazed at dean with his trademark squinted eyes. Dean shifted uncomfortable and wouldn’t mmet his eyes.  
“Thank you, Dean. I’m sorry”

Dean nodded a flipped a card towards Castiel, who was still thinking over what Dean had said and was trying to interpret it. The card was a 10, and Castiel’s a 7.  
“I’d like to reserve my question.” Dean announced.  
“What do you mean?” Dean looked straight at him,  
“I want to save my question for later”  
Castiel shrugged and then yawned sheepishly. Dean winked and got up to set up the mattress for Castiel, who then jumped up  
“Let me, you shouldn’t do this with your leg” Dean shot him a death glare but they compromised and set it up together.

A little while after they went o bed, Castiel awoke to Dean.  
“Cas” Castiel yawned groggily, rubbed his eyes, and propped himself up onto his elbows.  
“What? Have you even slept yet?” Dean shook his head impatiently, and Castiel noticed that he looked nervous.  
“I have my question”  
Castiel yawned again,  
“What?”  
“From the game. I have my question” Castiel rolled his eyes and sat up.  
“Okay Dean, what’s your question?”  
“Can I kiss you?” Castiel’s eyes grew wide, and he simply stared, speechless. His heart thumped, and all of a sudden the room seemed sweltering.

Castiel exhaled shakily and still stunned, nodded.


	8. Am I Breathing too Fast?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)  
> And that's all to say about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY RIGHT??  
> I know this felt like such a slow burn, I just couldn't figure out how to nudge them to the good parts. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as much as i did! ;)

After their lips met, Cas pulled back with deer-like eyes and Dean let his hand drop from Cas' jaw nervously. Cas' lips had been dry and soft.  
They just looked at each other for a moment, as Dean waited for Cas to say something, anything.  
"I'm sorry Ca-" Dean began, but Cast interrupted him hurriedly,  
"Shut up" And with a hand around Dean's neck, pulled Dean back for more.  
Oh God, Dean thought.

Cas was still, unsure, and so Dean took the initiative.  
Gently, as though not to scare the smaller boy off, Dean brought his hand back to Cas' face and cupped his cheek. He began kissing him, and slowly, Cas began to kiss him back.  
They kissed like this for a few minutes, gripping each other. Dean pushed his other hand through Cas' messy hair. He hadn't expected it to be so soft, and it contrasted with the roughness of Cas' jaw.  
Dean cautiously opened his mouth and ran his tongue along Cas' bottom lip. Cast let out a moan, then clamped his mouth shut, embarrassed, and jerked away.  
Dean almost laughed at the horrified look on Cas' face, but just smiled.  
"It's okay Cas," He coaxed with a chuckle, "that's fine, normal" He looked at the timid boy with kind eyes, and Cas nodded. Dean slowly leaned back in, and Cas met him half way.

He carefully leaned forward, so that Cas was slowly declining onto the mattress and Cas, suddenly confident, pulled at Dean's collar and wrapped his legs around him. Dean pulled slightly of Cas' lips and moved to his neck, gently kissing and sucking. Cas ran his hand over Dean's shoulder, gasping, and as it passed his sleeve, their skin make contact and Dean shivered. Cast stroked Dean's arm before running his hand up under the sleeve, then began trying to tug off Dean's shirt. Dean laughed, sat up, and pulled his shirt off. He hesitatingly reached for Cas' shirt, and at his confirming nod, carefully pulled of his shirt as well.

"Cas. Only so far. I want to make sure you don't do anything you aren't ready for" Dean said seriosly, and Cas nodded with a soft look in his eyes.  
"Castiel" Dean groaned before leaning over him again to kiss him and Cas, hearing his full name from Deans lips, moaned into Dean's mouth.  
Cas ran his hands along Dean's back, and Dean let his own hands drift over Cas' chest.  
Now getting the hang of this, Cas nipped at Dean's lips and rolled his hips upwards in desperation, and earned a throaty exhale from Dean. Dean forcefully clenched the pillow and rolled his hips back at Cas.  
Cas gasped at Dean's hardness and the friction.  
They continued panting and clutching and whatever their hands reached, rubbing and grinding into each other. Moans filled their mouths and they kissed roughly, tasting what they could.  
Eventually, their pace began to slow down.  
Cas' chest was still heaving, but Dean continued kissing him gently and their fingers entwined besides them. Dean pressed their heated foreheads together, both set of eyes closed, and softly let his fingers trace Cas cheek.

"You're so beautiful Cas" Cas reached his chin up to kiss Dean chastely.  
Their eyes opened and met, a newfound affection between them.  
\---------------------------

They laid there together for awhile afterwards.  
Cas succumbed to sleep quirky with Dean stroking his hair.  
Dean't couldn't believe what had happened.  
That Cas said yes. That Cas allowed him to be the first person to touch him the way he did. 

But most of all, Dean could not believe that he, dirtied and broken as he was, could be with someone as lovely and pure as Castiel. Yes, Cas had been through a lot, but he was naive and innocent, clean. everything Dean felt he wasn't.

Dean ran a finger over the pale skin before him and pressed a kiss to his shoulder glad. He traced the bones of his torso-clavicle, ribs, shoulder. Cas was warmed by sleep and his white skin was laced with a pink flush.  
It was easy with Cas because Dean felt responsible for him,, to protect him and care for him. Dean didn't know much about love, but he was awfully familiar with care-taking and protectiveness.  
In his mind, it was the same thing.

Dean was brought out of his thoughts upon noticing the change in Cas' demeanor.  
His breaths were ragged, his hands trembling, and his eyes twitching underneath their lids. Dean didn't know if someone could have panic attacks in their sleep but he was pretty adamant of what it was. Cas had been sleeping so peacefully that Dean didn't want to wake him.  
He was trying to decide what to do when a guttural whimper escaped Castiel's mouth. Instinctively, Dean simply rolled closer and put his arm around him, holding him close firmly and yet tenderly.

Dean was pretty sure that the panic attack had subsided, and he fell asleep just like that, wrapped protectively around Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! (More to come!)  
> Please feel free to give any criticism, tips, or suggestions for the writing or the plot.  
> Also, I'm sorry that it's so short, I hadn't realized that until now.


	9. Let Me Breathe You In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY  
> I know it has been a looooooong time since I've posted, things have been crazy. I'll try to get back into it!  
> Thanks for all the positive support:)  
> Where are you guys seeing this go? Do you want to see Crowley again? More drama/angst? fluff?  
> THANKS!:)<3

It was the cold that woke Castiel.  
The sort of cold you notice with the absence of a person. Castiel yawned and rolled onto his back, looking at the ceiling.  
Oh.  
My.  
God.

Last night was definitely not a dream. It felt like one, though. Dean had been sweet, slow. Castiel didn’t believe in fairytales but, despite how different Dean and he were, they fit together so perfectly.  
Where was he then?

Castiel heard noises on the other side of the house and rose to follow it. He found Dean and Sam in the kitchen roughhousing, despite that Dean was crippled by his cast. They both had flour all over them, and their faces were read with breathlessness. Despite the height Sam had over Dean, he was the one in a headlock.  
Dean saw Castiel first and grinned,  
“Hey Cas, we’re just making pancakes” Sam grunted a morning from Dean’s elbow.  
Castiel chuckled, and offered,  
“Perhaps I should help, s it appears that you two are not being very productive”  
Dean released Sam with a billowing laugh, and tossed Castiel an apron,  
“You’re gonna need it”

Dean wasn’t kidding. Castiel found himself smothered in flour not twenty minutes later, but they at least had gotten batter onto the stove.  
The breakfast was as loud and boisterous as the preparation, short of the food fight. Castiel couldn’t help but indulge himself in the warmth the relationship the two brothers had, noting the contrast from his own cold family. Aside from Jimmy, of course. Castiel sobered quickly at the thought, and Dean noticed.  
“Hey Cas, you alright?”  
“Yes, Dean. I uh- I was just thinking that…you have a wonderful family”  
Both Sam and Dean watched him quietly, appreciative. After a moment, Dean nodded,  
“You’re an honorary Winchester man. You’re one of us now” Castiel let a short laugh express his elatedness and Sam laughed as well. 

“Oh Cas, I’ve got something for you. I totally forgot about it” Dean exclaimed.  
Castiel nodded and followed him back to the room, as Sam began to clear the table.

Dean was holding something in his hands and said,  
“I got this for you the day I broke my leg, but I completely forgot to give it to you”  
Dean handed him a black leather book, bound in silver. Castiel unlatched it and was greeted by blank pages.

“I know you have a lot going through your mind all the time, and I thought getting it out might help” Dean explained quietly. Castiel looked at him curiously,  
“Thank you, Dean. That means a lot to me”  
Castiel gripped the journal to his chest and looked down at his feet.

He felt Dean step closer and plant a soft kiss on his forehead. When he lifted his head, Dean met his lips and touched his cheek. They kissed gently and sweetly, Dean stroking his hair, Castiel running his fingers on Dean’s arm. When they separated, they smiled at each other, and Castiel nodded at him slightly. 

…………..

Castiel was sitting in his Latin Literature Studies class listening to the professor discuss "Lapis Satricanus", one of the first accounts of a founder of the Roman Republic. Usually, Cas would be wrapped up in the lecture, taking meticulous notes despite his previous and extensive knowledge on the topic. But instead, he found himself distracted, impatient. He allowed himself to drift off only because he had already studied the material. Really, he could probably give the lecture himself, though he would never say so, as Cas was more of the modest type.

Instead, he opened the journal Dean had given him. He paused, black pen hovering over the cream paper. Every journal he had had served a different purpose. He had kept an angry red one, titled "Keep Calm and Carry On" – primarily for the irony of it –, for his darker moments. His light blue one was for the fears that came only at night, only in his mind, only when he was alone. His gold patterned one was for his panicked doodled during anxiety attacks – healthier to scratch paper than his skin, so he was told. But this one, what would this one be for? Castiel was too much a coward to write all he thought about Dean, for fear that upon the materialization of words, Dean would disappear. This one he would dedicate to the moments he couldn’t bear to forget. Slowly, he let the pen down on the paper, and after a slow drawl of his beginning words, he began to write with fervor.  
He wrote of the time Jimmy dared him to sneak out of Sunday school so they could go to the park and ride the swings.  
He wrote of the tree they found that Jimmy swore was the tallest in the States.  
He wrote of the time in middle school, when the school bully picked on him, and Jimmy called him out in front of everyone.  
He wrote of the night his junior year when, after everyone else had gone to bed, he and Jimmy stayed up late talking, and Cas came out for the first time. Jimmy hugged him and told him that it meant nothing, that Cas was still his brother, and nothing would change that.  
He wrote of the first time he met Dean.  
He wrote of the way Dean put his arm around him during that first panic attack in front of him.  
He wrote of Dean humming along to "Hey Jude" whenever he was getting stressed out.  
He wrote of the kiss Dean planted on his forehead when Cas was supposedly sleeping.  
He wrote of the first time they had kissed, both awake.  
He wrote of every kiss after that.  
He wrote about meeting Sam, and what it had felt like to have a real family, even though he wished so badly that Jimmy could be a part of it as well.  
He wrote.  
Cas could not say why, at that moment, he drew his attention away from the page to glance out the window, but when he did, Dean was there with a grin. He held up two covered cups – hot chocolate, Castiel assumed – and beckoned him out. Cas looked back at the professor, now in the back of the room going over something with another student as the class worked in silence. Cas smirked at Dean, and quickly but quietly, grabbed his book bag and sauntered out of the room, leather journal in hand. As he breezed out the door of the building, he slipped the journal into his bag. 

Dean was waiting there for him, and handed him the steaming cup.  
“Dinner?” He asked with a tone more of decision than suggestion. Castiel nodded contentedly and they left. 

Once seated in a slightly busy, slightly casual, Italian restaurant, Dean exhaled and leaned back in the chair. Cas couldn’t help but watch every moment of it.  
“Dude. This place has the BEST Fettuccine Alfredo”  
“Ah, You’re an Alfredo man” Castiel joked  
“I just like how creamy the sauce is” Dean said in all seriousness. Dean always took his meals seriously.  
Dean having decided what to order, waited as Castiel looked over the menu.  
When he finally made his decision, he laid the menu on the table and looked up at Dean.  
“I started writing in the journal”  
Castiel couldn’t read his face, but then Dean let on a small smile.  
“I’m glad you like it. You were the first person I thought of when I saw it”  
“Well I do. Thank you for it.” There was a small pause, and Castiel drew up the nerve to ask what he had been wondering all week.  
“Dean. Are we-. Would you consider us-“ After a frustrated attempt, he blurted, “What are we?”  
Dean just looked at him,  
“Look man, there’s no pressure for anything. If you need a label that’s fine, but the way I see it, I care a lot about you and you seem to care about me too”  
“I do. But are we-. I just need to have a definition. Definitions set boundaries, and I need to know where I stand” Castiel struggled with finding his words, but again, Dean just watched him patiently.  
“Since I met you, I haven’t even bothered flirting or hooking up with anyone else, and I don’t plan to. I am committed to this if that’s what you’re asking me” He replied sincerely. Cas couldn’t help but smile a little bit.  
“You mean it”  
“Would I have said it if I didn’t? Okay, enough of the touchy-feely, I’m starving” Dean grinned and Cas laughed. 

They talked about Sam, they talked about their classes, and they talked about the weird faculty member that is always meditating on one of the quads. It was hard enough to eat without spitting out his food with laughter, but the two boys quickly filled up. Still, Dean insisted on pie.

“Dean, you were just complaining about how full you are.”  
“Okay, let me explain. I have two stomachs.: one for regular food, and one for pie. What I meant was that my food stomach was full. My pie stomach, on the other hand, is starving”  
Castiel couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head as Dean ordered not one, not two, but three pies. 

Watching Dean eat pie, however, was a completely different story. It was pure sex, plain and simple. One could only hope that Dean Winchester would love them as much as he loves pie.

After inhaling a pie, and putting the other and a half that Cas couldn’t finish in a box, Dean spoke up,  
“So, Bobby’s out tonight, and Sam doesn’t come to stay for good until next week”  
Dean remarked nonchalantly.  
Castiel peered at him with eyebrows raised,  
“Is there something you are trying to say, Dean?”  
“I just figured, if you wanted to come over, we would have more privacy” Dean suggested, now seeming abashed. Castiel would have chuckled at the –Dean would hate this, but _adorable_ – sight, but he soon was as shy as Dean. 

“Okay”


	10. Forgetting to Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that it's taken me so long to update, i've been crazy busy. No guarantee of being able to post often or regularly but here's some smut to make up.  
> It's my first time writing smut so….sorry?  
> Thank you all so much for reading! I love you!! (But not as much as I love Destiel)

They were barely through the door before Dean covered Cas with his body. It was odd, for him, to feel a sense of familiarity in the kiss. Cas was probably the first person Dean had kissed on at least two separate occasions, that he could remember anyways. And yet, he didn’t mind.

Cas kissed back, their tongues soft among the roughness of the stubble. Dean’s hand resting at the base of Cas’ neck, he had to mentally calm himself when Cas moaned into his mouth. How he didn’t come right then, he didn’t know.

The next thing he knew, he was being turned and his back slammed against the door. With a gasp he saw black possessing the blue of Castiel’s eyes, riddled with pure lust.   
“Um , Cas-“ He began. Cas mumbled an inaudible response with his teeth grating at Dean’s neck,  
“What was your nightmare last night about?”  
Cas stopped and straightened to look at him, the roll of his eyes impatient.  
“You really want to do this now?” His voice, now even more jagged than usual, shot through Dean’s groin.   
“Um, no” Dean almost begged, berating himself for it. 

Their mouths met again, prompt and passionate, but gentler than before. Castiel’s hands cupped Dean’s face as he swept his tongue across his bottom lip. Dean had yet to suppress the animalistic noises escaping him. 

Cas returned to his jaw, nipping and tasting the triangle of his neck, his collarbone, his sternum– 

“Wait Cas, are you –” Dean couldn’t bring himself to finish,  
“Are you sure?” Cas didn’t roll his eyes this time, but instead placed a chaste kiss to his lips. He leaned so that his breath was hot in Deans ear,  
“I want to taste you”   
Dean groaned and his head fell back, hitting the door.

Cas undid the buttons of Dean’s flannel shirt with his teeth, one by one. Not that Dean noticed, Castiel’s hands were clutching his ass, thumbs rubbing at his hipbones.

It was only after Cas had kissed raw the skin of his chest now exposed as his shirt fell open, that he hesitated, fingers ghosting the buckle of Dean’s belt.

“Cas, you don’t have to” 

Cas responded by pressing a kiss to his hipbone, and resting his forehead on Dean’s stomach. His hot breath tickling at Dean’s yearning skin. He fumbled for a moment with the zipper and tugged the jeans down. Though Dean’s boxers were low on his hip, they remained. 

Dean ran his fingers along the side of Castiel’s face, and pressed his fingers under his jaw, feeling the thud of Castiel’s heartbeat. His own was a loud drum vibrating through his body, half anticipation, half nervousness. The nervousness was sudden, and atypical, but as he threaded his fingers through Castiel’s soft black hair, and Cas gently kissed where cloth was the only thing in between him and Dean’s hardness.

Dean hissed, unsure of how much longer he could take. Cas continued to lick and suck through the fabric but Dean could only restrain himself so much,  
“Cas please” he moaned in a broken voice.

Castiel carefully edged the fabric down his hips, and Dean’s swollen length bobbed out.  
Dean knew that it wasn’t anything special, but it sure as hell wasn’t anything to be ashamed of either. He ignored the fact that the only reason Cas’s eyes bugged a little probably had to do with his inexperience with genitalia.   
He absolutely did not think about any of this, but if he did, he forgot about it as soon as Cas licked the head experimentally. And he definitely forgot about it when Cas swallowed him down whole. His head thumped against the door once more, but he was too distracted to care. He couldn’t keep himself from gripping at Cas’ hair and hoped that he wasn’t hurting him.   
Cas swirled his tongue around the tip as he sucked up and down.  
Perhaps he had little experience, but what he lacked in number of blow jobs given, he made up for with enthusiasm and raw hunger.  
Dean could not have formed any coherent words if asked, but that didn’t stop him from moaning, crying out, and mumbling Cas’ name.  
“Oh God, Cas”  
“Cas,”  
“Cas,”  
“Fuck Cas, You-“  
“Cas”

It was this same name that spilled out of Dean’s lips as he spilled into Cas’ mouth.  
Cas swallowed and sucked and licked until Dean had nothing else to give. He kissed Dean’s thighs and hipbones before looking up at Dean shyly,  
“Did I do okay?”

“Jesus Cas”


End file.
